It’s 7:00 in the morning.
We don’t have a pub dog so there are still the mosaics of crisps on the floor and the mass of dropped peanuts long since forgotten about by the footballers after their closely fought match with that set of dirty bastards from the
other end of the county.The frustration manifests itself in the form of shredding every beermat available into bits
that are just that fraction too big to whistle up Henry’s trunk.Why they had to bring half of the pitch surface
with them just to deposit it on the bar floor is still a mystery.Saying that,they did well in the Plankton League
last year so we should encourage them I suppose.
The Diners have turned up in their droves and have,despite the price of the food,liberally distributed a sample
portion of each onto the floor under their table,presumably in anticipation of the non existent pub dog.
Henry has been my friend for the last 6 years.He is green and black,not very tall and a sucker for anything.He is
the vacuum cleaner.His diet for all of my time has been a mixture of peanuts,crisps,chips,peas,fire ash,cobwebs,
mud,grass cuttings and dog hair.Unsurprisingly he is not putting any weight on.
Why do people bring their dogs into pubs to moult?Come to that,why do dogs bring their people into pubs to moult?
That brown haired thing last wednesday was shedding more than the mutt.Henry took a while to deal with that lot,didn’t half stick to the carpet.
It would seem that there were some caravanners in last night.The footballers are confined to the bar so the
discovery of mud and grass on the lounge carpet indicates the presence of weekend gypsies.Subsequent investigation reveals that all the bog rolls are missing.Oh quelle surprise.
I’m not going to describe swabbing out the Ladies bog.It is a job that is full of surprises,none of them pleasant.
The Gents,however,is a joy in comparison.If anyone has parked a tiger then they have done so accurately and not
left any residue.The half bog roll pushed part way into the sit down U-bend is indicative of some form of
displeasure.My Skittles ruse seems to still be working however.I have taken to placing one channel block on the
top of the drain cage in the bottom of each trap.We use the squodgy blocks.I am a sadist.I push them down a little so that they stay put a little longer and provide hours of fun for those who wish to knock them over.The floor
continues to be dry.
To be continued,if anyone wants to put up with any more of this…