The Games People Play


From time to time there are things I find,while mucking out,that make me laugh out loud.This generally attracts the attention of the Gaffer who is inquisitive enough to take an interest.

We have the Phantom Bog Roll Hoarder,the one who assembles every lavatory roll they can find in the ladies into one cubicle thus leaving the other box bereft of essentials.I tend to find this first thing in the morning so I have no idea what time of day this was perpetrated and therefore how long the potential users have been missing out on the facility provided.Also known to make use of the unavoidably but conveniently placed loft hatch for said purpose.I found 17 bog rolls up there when I first discovered this phenomenon.

Then there is the Phantom Plumber.Once again this is the sole preserve of the Ladies.Of a morning I am asked regularly to address a non flushing Sit Down.The usual finding is that the flush cable is no longer connected to the presstit.This involves lifting the cistern lid and the disconnected bit still doesn’t fall off of its own accord despite the years of use and abuse.

The one that made me laugh then and still now is the Phantom Sign Switcher.The one who spent the best part of ten minutes outside the bogs of a busy boozer on a Saturday evening exchanging the signs on the doors of the Ladies and Gents.No one saw it happen and it was only noticed the following morning.The reason I know that it takes ten minutes is that we had a redecorate recently and it took me that long to put them back onto the doors with the aid of a cordless screwdriver.

The next wheeze had better be good.

Replies please…


  1. i’ve had the flush unit from in side the cistern pinched !! and a dirty heavy chimanea (both during daylight hours)

  2. That is enterprise at its best.

    We think that we might have another one,The Cistermiser Kid.

    One who progressively opens up the water feed through the cistermiser thus making the flush intervals shorter.No bad thing on balance but I’d love to know how they’re doing it so precisely.

    It is being done so imperceptibly that none of us are sure that it is actually happening.

  3. Pictures in men’s toilets turned upside down – regularly. I leave them. Driving over my central flower bed in the big car park.

  4. For one reason or another this one came back to mind the other day.

    Back in the days when Doris was the gaffer (I nicknamed him Doris ‘cos he was a whining little sh1t and it was a method of calling him all the names under the sun without mentioning the real name.Very surprising how rapidly the rest of the crew cottoned on to this idea and joined in) he had this fascination for the naked flame in the form of candles liberally scattered around the establishment.This was the reason for the Candlewax thread that can be found elsewhere in here.

    These weren’t just candles,these were Church Candles,about a foot tall and nearly 3″ across.If they had been made from sterner stuff than wax they would have been serious contenders for fence posts.

    There was a bit of a wheeze between the members of the 3 o’clock club as to who could sneak one of these into who elses shopping without them noticing until they got home.

    I was a semi active participant in this endeavour,my personal best being the sneaking in of a 3″ tall item into the bottom of one of those little paper bags that the chemist supplies to take your prescription home in with the pills and potions replaced on the top as camouflage.

    The recipient got it home before realising.I still don’t like candles.

  5. One of our more colourful characters brought in a ‘trump’ (to be polite) machine. One slips the tiny speaker somewhere(as in a handbag) and controls with another gadget from elsewhere. Several varieties of trump noise available. Entertained the late Sunday club for a while!

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